Each issue holds two things: a story and an idea. Drawn from our own lives, our clients', and what we're noticing in the world. Always anonymized. This quarter we're exploring love and belonging across all three practices. Today, from Jill Wicklund, through the lens of a woman and her career.

Hi there,

A few years ago, I worked with a woman over a series of months, focused on helping her get really clear on her career choices. She was brilliant, thoughtful, well-intentioned and highly respected within her organization. She had every capability to be a senior-level VP. And given the ages of her children and what they needed from her, she was choosing to remain a first-line director.

She knew in her heart it was the right choice for the season of life she was in. But she was receiving so much external pressure from people around her who wanted her to scale up, scale out, do more, that she came to me to justify what she already knew. Her self-doubt was that loud.

Her self-doubt was loud because it was scanning the room of mentors, peers and channeling the twenty-five-year-old version of herself who would have called this decision a failure. All the while her inner knowing was pulling her toward the choice that was truly best for her at this point in her life.

This voice inside is often called the inner critic, and at its best, it is trying to protect your sense of belonging. I’ve noticed that the inner critic voice gets loudest when you are deciding not to follow society's standards of success. You're pulling back at work to be more present at home, or you're pushing into work when the cultural script says to be more present at home. You're saying no to school stuff, the auction committee, the volunteering ask, to protect your peace. You're voicing an opinion that goes against the room. You're being assertive in a way you were taught not to be. When you are not hustling, and you are resting on purpose. Anytime you're doing something different, the critic shows up to start a conversation about what you can say or do to make sure you still belong.

What has worked for many is to explore this inner critic voice as a normal part of our human experience. To name her and to externalize her. To see her as a part of you trying to ensure you stay in the ‘tribe’. And to also explore the other side of the pole, the wise self.

The wise self can also go by many names. Your inner guide. Your inner mentor. Your most powerful self. The name isn’t super important. What matters is that she exists, and that you can meet her and work with her.

While the critic shows up at volume, in the head, in the loop, in the rehearsing, the wise self tends to speak in a quiet voice. She doesn't often fight for the floor. Most of us have to get still enough to hear her. She speaks through the body. A settled feeling. A breath that drops. A yes (or no) you feel before you can explain it.

What my practice has taught me is that she's already a part of you, not a stranger you're trying to summon. People often connect with her as the future you, the most fully-realized you, the one who already trusts herself. So, you're not inventing her, you're getting in touch with her.

And the beautiful thing that happens once you've met her is that you can start to filter your decisions through her. How would she respond to this? What would she choose? How would she handle this?

Which brings me back to my client. I don't doubt that at some point, when the time is right for her, she will be a VP. On her schedule. And how sweet it will be. She will arrive in that role satisfied. Settled. Whole. A different kind of leadership.

A couple of questions to leave you with. What is your inner critic making sure you belong to right now? And what is your wise self trying to tell you?

Glad you are here.

Jill

(with Dr. Chloe and Dr. Meghan, Moms Who Lead)

P.S. Know a woman who belongs in this room? Forward this her way or she can subscribe here.