Each issue holds two things: a story and an idea. Drawn from our own lives, our clients', and what we're noticing in the world. Always anonymized. This quarter we're exploring love and belonging across all three practices. Today, from Dr. Meghan Tierney, through the lens of a woman and the power of connection.

Hi there,

Have you ever been so busy you started canceling fun things like brunch with friends or a date night because it's all too much on top of everything else? Or maybe it is a genuinely difficult season of life: work is all-consuming, home is chaos, and reaching out feels like it would just be a burden on your friends, who are surely just as stressed (or more!) than you are?

Yeah. Me too. And I hear the same from my patients.

Self-inflicted isolation. Loneliness, even.

Meanwhile the obligations aren't cut. The 6 a.m. wake-up call from the kids. The summer camp sign-ups. The 1:1s and quarterly reports. You remain everyone's first call. What you sacrifice instead are the handful of relationships where you get to be the one who's held instead of the one doing the holding.

And guess what, this choice we all make from time to time can have unseen consequences. There's a good body of evidence that the perception of loneliness and social isolation is on par with smoking when it comes to your health. Loneliness is linked to roughly a 17% higher risk of cardiovascular disease like heart attacks and strokes. People who are persistently lonely have a 57% higher risk of dying early. And women appear to experience the negative effects of loneliness and social isolation more profoundly than their male counterparts. This isn't about when we are retired septuagenarian grannies either. This is about right now. The feeling of loneliness peaks in our 20s and again in our 40s, and more and more people report feeling alone, worsening since the pandemic.

We are not alone in feeling alone.

Unfortunately, the evidence for how to solve this problem is pretty lacking. There are no meta-analyses of the effect of regular book club meetings on the health and longevity of women. But I think the hypothesis is pretty compelling. And of course, the point is not to treat our boozy brunch like a prescription, or worse, an obligation. The point is that the thing we keep filing under optional is probably more foundational, like sleep and movement, like breathing.

And that reaching-out-is-a-burden story deserves a real hard look. When we choose to hide our vulnerability, we choose to isolate ourselves. You know that if your friend called, you would patiently listen to her chaos, and maybe even feel privileged to be trusted with her story. Consider honoring your friends with your vulnerability, because the truth is, they want to be there for you when life is messy, especially when it is messy.

One question to sit with: when life gets hard, what is the first thing you start saying no to, and is it something you can afford to lose?

Take care,

Dr. Meghan

(with Jill & Dr. Chloe)

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